My Dance of Joy

Today while waiting for the bus, my son John said, "Mama, I love Daddy more than I love the monkey bars, the computer and my legos. " That is high praise indeed from my little six year old whose heart truly loves these treasures.

My heart broke. The truth is that everything will remind me of Sean. Yesterday while he was at the doctor's, I was flipping through a magazine and I came across an article about the best places to ride bikes. One such town is Tyler, Texas where Sean had lived during high school and graduated from the high school. Another page had a shar-pei dog, his absolute favorite. One day these will make me smile, yesterday I just wanted to cry.

But, we had some better, more encouraging news at the doctor's. Actually Yale. He had his endoscopy done and when it was finished, they allowed me to read the report. His doctor here in New London said that the cancer had spread throughout his abdomen and didn't really give him much time. However, when I read the report yesterday, all these places they had checked in his abdomen had come back clear. They did confirm that it had spread to his liver. But, so far that is the only place so it is somewhat contained. The doctor said that Sean was healthy otherwise and strong so that he could live several more years. I think several in this case is probably two, but I will take it! He said that the drugs would be able to give him quality of life. I asked about removing the parts of the pancreas that are affected and killing the rest of the cancer with chemo, if that was at all possible. He said usually not and that usually in this case surgery was not an option. But, he did say that he does not treat people with cancer, only diagnose them. And that every person is different and every cancer is different. So, here we sit.

He is tired all the time. His body has had his gall bladder removed, a cat scan and now this endoscopy all in under three weeks. It needs time to heal. But, every time he wants to take a nap or rest, it scares me. I want him to be that ball of energy he always was. That man who could easily toss our children around or would dance with me in the kitchen. There are no traces of him here.

But, he is healthy otherwise and I have to keep holding on to that.