People mean the best. But they can also deliver the worst. I know all the things that I should be doing. I should be "taking it one day at a time" and "enjoying every day I have with him". This day sucks pretty much all the way around. We got an appointment at Dana Farber. But, Sean looked at me today and said to me, "I am terminal. All they are trying to do is lengthen my life a little." For some reason, that undid me. I knew, obviously, that he is terminal. I mean, really, aren't we all? But, God, how do I go on without him. Then the mind wanders to, "what if I just took some pills", "what if the car just wandered over the yellow line a little"? I mean, I have wonderful people who would take care of my children. It's all set. Do I want to live without Sean?
And then he is there with his advice as well. "Jen, live after I go." "Sew, knit, do the things that you love to do". How can I when I won't be able to show him the finished product? How can I when the other side of the couch will be empty? There will be no one to hold my hand. To help me with the boys' birthday parties. To mow our lawn and cut their hair. To tell me I am beautiful. People tell me all the time how strong I am being, how I am a lot stronger than I think I am. And to me it feels like a bunch of crap. I don't want to be strong. I want to have my man here. The man I have loved for all these years, the father of my children. I feel like I am slowly but surely losing my mind.
But, I have children. I don't have that luxury. This death will forever change my children. They will not be able to have kisses and hugs and stories read to them by their father. They will be stuck with me. I don't get to drive that car over the yellow line or take a bunch of pills. I know that.
My boys are really spectacular people. They are funny and kind and loving. I pray that God keeps His hand over them and never lets them go. I pray that He helps me every single day. But, will He want to? I feel like God doesn't really like me very much right now.