Tuesday, March 29, 2011


"Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, O Lord." Psalm 89:15 Today Hunter took a nap. And I felt a tug at my heart to dust off my Bible and read a line or two in the peace and the quiet. And today I got a message clearly for me from the Lord. I read this Psalm 89:15. I read it and I just couldn't shake it. As if the Lord was shouting to me, "Hey, Jen, this one's for you!!" I didn't know what the word acclaim meant. Sure, I had heard the word but I just wasn't quite sure. I'm glad I looked it up - acclaim means to "welcome or salute with shouts or sounds of joy or approval". I'm going to be honest - there doesn't feel like much acclaiming is going on around here. But, then I looked once again at the verse and one word jumped out at me. learned I don't think acclaiming comes naturally. Bills pile up while money quickly dwindles, there are wars and rumors of wars, children are disobedient, marriage is hard. There is upheaval all around us, if not in our lives but on the evening news or in the lives of those we cherish. This life is hard and no one gets out without some bumps and bruises along the way. But, when the day is done and those little ones are nestled safe and sound, we have survived. When bedtime seems a long way away or one side of the bed is empty or the future looks scary, I'm learning. I survived. Sean was taken away from me and I survived. Bills got paid, children were bathed and even some joy was had in the day. Every day I am learning that there is a big God who cares about my little corner of the world. And today I will acclaim Him. I will trust that even though this was not my plan, He is here. And even though there will be days when I won't feel like it, I'll keep learning and keep trying to master this discipline.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Just in time

Yesterday was a day for the history books. I was sad. I had a horrible day filled with tears and depression and I just couldn't get out of my own way. I had so many people I could call, I had wonderful projects to knit and sew that would have filled me, but I just couldn't. I don't usually feel this way too often, not even with the monster of grief in my heart. Usually I can rally myself and laugh and get through the day. But, certain days are hard. And then the phone rang...

This man, Chris, is an older man who lost his wife many years ago and he and his 2nd wife are wonderful people who have taken me under their wing. And, it's amazing to me, but he calls me on just the days when I need it. He's never said one stupid thing to me, he gives me encouragement and love and he's walked this road and I feel like he's cheering me on every step of the way. I even told him it's my time of the month and he understood that grief can seem magnified on days like that.

And then the phone rang again. My dear friend, Lynn, called me and all she said to me was, "I wish I could take this pain away". That's all I really needed to hear - that someone heard me from the depths of despair. No advice was given, no words of Scripture to give me "comfort". Just an ear and some time. To someone who feels occasionally like I'm literally drowning, that's all I need.

And today is better. I read something that normally would have reduced me to tears and I was okay.

Monday, March 7, 2011

It's funny the things that make me cry nowadays. Sean's birthday came and went without too many tears. I had so many people look at me with that good-natured worry that I see so frequently. I constantly tell them, "I miss him on February 20th and the 23th, why should I miss him more on the 27th?" It's really just another day in this journey.

This morning John's bus flew right by us even though we were standing dutifully in the driveway exactly where we should be. We have a long history with this driver. He yells at us a lot. One time Sean and I were standing too close to the end of the driveway so he wouldn't stop at our driveway then we were standing too far away from the road and he drove right by us because he didn't see us. A couple weeks ago he actually had the audacity to yell at John as he was fumbling with his backpack and snow pants because he was taking too long to get out of the car. Really, 10 more seconds would have killed you? So, to this morning. I could not believe my eyes as he barreled right by us.

So, what did I do? I flagged the next bus and they picked up my little boy and all was well. But, I was mad. And I sputtered all the way down the driveway and then the tears came. Sean would have understood. He would have listened to me as he shaved or got dressed for the day and then he would have hugged me and calmed me.

And that's what I missed about him today. I know that I could have called half a dozen people and they would have gladly lent me their ear. But, then I would have had to go into all those past times (so I wouldn't have sounded like a crazy person). With Sean I wouldn't have had to do that. He would have remembered and he would have gotten mad right along with me. Gosh, I really could not have had a better earthly friend than that man. And for that, through my anger and frustration, I am eternally grateful.