Dizzying..

In many ways I feel like I have already lost my husband. We are one month into this illness and already I feel like the impact has been massive. To explain it further brings so much pain to myself that I literally can't explain it further than that.

Today he told me that it's good for us to have time apart and he was grateful that I was at work and I understand. To a point. It felt good to be at work and talking about something other than cancer. Other than a pill schedule. Other than pain. But, every single second we're not together I feel like - well, it's as if I am holding a treasure of pennies in my hand and some are slipping through my fingers. I feel like every single second should be spent together and yet I know we will surely kill each other if we do that. It's not healthy for people to be together all the time. I know.

It's dizzying to me this line I have to navigate. He is the one that is going through this. I want to be a patient and understanding wife. I want to give him room. Yet I hope I can figure out how to do that.