I think it's funny and maybe awesome that when I was at the hospital yesterday and Sean had to get up for something, I kind of checked him out. And I still love what I see. And I still think that underneath all those tubes and wires and sickness, he still is gorgeous.
I think sometimes I shouldn't go see Sean at the hospital because I hear reports of other people's visits and their visits sound awesome. They laugh, they share stories and our visits kind of feel raw. There is crying and touching and real honest talks about how we are feeling. Everyday as I walk to the green elevators I give myself a pep talk about how today I am going to be upbeat and smile a lot and laugh and in about two seconds sometimes that crumbles at my feet. He looks thin, he looks tired and somedays he is so far away from the sharp larger than life man I married. And then we talk. And we share. And sometimes we talk about how he doesn't even want to fight anymore because he is so much pain and then he gets sleep and he says, "Wife, there is still fight in me." So, I guess at 11:30 at night as I mull our visits I am comforted. I am so because isn't that true love when you can be truly open and honest with your mate. You can let all those ugly parts out and there is still someone who looks at you with so much love on their face and you know it's okay. That the love is still intact and you feel safe. So,tomorrow is another day and I will go to the hospital once, probably twice. And I will try. I will try to spread a little sunshine. But, if I don't, that's okay too..