Thursday, September 30, 2010
And then he is there with his advice as well. "Jen, live after I go." "Sew, knit, do the things that you love to do". How can I when I won't be able to show him the finished product? How can I when the other side of the couch will be empty? There will be no one to hold my hand. To help me with the boys' birthday parties. To mow our lawn and cut their hair. To tell me I am beautiful. People tell me all the time how strong I am being, how I am a lot stronger than I think I am. And to me it feels like a bunch of crap. I don't want to be strong. I want to have my man here. The man I have loved for all these years, the father of my children. I feel like I am slowly but surely losing my mind.
But, I have children. I don't have that luxury. This death will forever change my children. They will not be able to have kisses and hugs and stories read to them by their father. They will be stuck with me. I don't get to drive that car over the yellow line or take a bunch of pills. I know that.
My boys are really spectacular people. They are funny and kind and loving. I pray that God keeps His hand over them and never lets them go. I pray that He helps me every single day. But, will He want to? I feel like God doesn't really like me very much right now.
Friday, September 24, 2010
They will be left with a Mom who loves them but at the end of the day will be a poor substitute. I will just have to love them enough for the two of us and pray that they find their way.
May I find the words to answer those difficult and uncomfortable questions when they arise. May I have the wisdom to know when to hold them and how to explain where Daddy has gone. May they walk through this life knowing that they are treasured. Because I do. I know that Sean loves me. He has told me and shown me a million different ways. And in the end, isn't that we could ever really ask of our husbands?
But, may they, in their "sixness" and "threeness" KNOW it.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Yesterday Sean and I were having one our our "dark conversations" and Hunter was on the potty and yelled to me, "Mama, I need help!" Such a mundane task as my world is being rocked to its core. But, I must put one foot in front of the other. I must meet with John's teacher tomorrow and check on his progress, I must make John's lunch and prepare Hunter's for when I visit with Sean's doctor. I must find a way through this mess to fold laundry, to wash dishes and read books.
I look at my husband and my heart is grateful. Thankful for all the years that he has loved me. What a gift they have been and I must somehow in some way walk with him through this crisis.
I find that I hate his doctors, the kind nurses who look at you so pleasantly as they are ushering you into another office to hear more horrifying news. They get to go home to their safe little houses. I know, I know, they are going through hard times too. Sean says to me, "Don't hate them. They are kind." How can he be good when all this is happening? That is because that is who he is.
So many people have come along beside me and supported us. So many people have offered food, hugs, babysitting services, a shoulder to cry on. You truly do find out what mettle people are made of. People who I haven't seen or spoken to in years are offering their phone numbers and e-mail addresses. Such a lifeline to a drowning woman.
Monday, September 20, 2010
It was as if the doctor had walked into the room and punched me in the stomach.
It's hard to look at him. It's hard to touch him. It's hard to hear him laughing with the kids. I wonder, "Will he see Hunter's first day of school?" Did I tell him enough times how deeply I love him? Does he see that look of admiration that I can see in John's eyes when he looks at him? No, you can't have him, cancer. He is OURS.
It's as if we are entwined. He is such a part of me, he is like the very breath that I take. He is perfect for me. Not perfect, but perfect for me. No one has ever loved me deeper, believed in me more vigorously and been a better friend. In November we will be married for 11 years. We have kissed and hugged and touched for almost 17. On Thanksgiving Day it will mark 18 years ago that I met him when I was sure he was not for me and he looked at me and thought to himself, "I am going to marry that girl." Since I was 22 years old. It seems like my whole life. I can't remember a time when he wasn't in my life and I frankly don't want to. I am not sure how to describe how much he means to me. How much I have been honored to be his wife.
Those two children laying sweetly, contentedly in their beds know none of the turmoil that is broiling in their home. They just notice today that Mama is crying a lot. I have got to keep that behind closed doors. They are free, young, untouched by this ugliness and I will keep it that way as long as I can.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
I said, "I totally wanted you to hold my hand." To which he replied, "I know." He always does...
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
So, this is what I got for FREE with my coupons and store savings!