Thursday, January 27, 2011

All around me

I have some pretty amazing friends, I gotta say. Some really wonderful people that invite me into their home or they come to mine. The problem sometimes is that the friends come in pairs in the form of a married man and woman. It's hard to see a man help a woman pick up after dinner as Sean would have done or to see a touch between them that I will never feel again from my Seany. It's especially difficult when their children do something and they exchange that look. The look that says a thousand words in a single glance. It makes me jealous because I feel like I've just been thrown in this raging river called parenthood all by myself and I'm trying to paddle as hard as I can and my teammate is gone.

Gosh, this sounds maudlin. It's just that the day is basically done. And this is the time when I would have been talking my Seany's ear off. What she said, what the boys did, what happened at dinner and I would have had an opinion about it all. But, now there is this awful silence. I miss him. I miss every single thing about him. There will never be anyone else who can take his place.

I have said it a million times, but I won't ever marry again. I know it like I know my own name. I think it's because I really don't know how to do anything halfway. And I certainly loved that man with every inch of my heart. I believe everyone should know that kind of love at least once in their life. And I just can't love someone with a divided heart.