Home

My man is home. He is home, he is home, he is home. At one point, I actually thought to myself, "Am I going to have to bring him Thanksgiving dinner in here?"

After I picked him up from the hospital we went to go pick up the kids at our friend's house. I had to bring the kids trick or treating and I thought that Sean would stay at their house or maybe stay in the car where he could rest. But, not my husband and not their father. He was in the thick of it. He walked and walked with us. I couldn't believe it. He looked so tired but he didn't want to miss it. I couldn't have been prouder of him. For just that moment, cancer didn't have any victory. Sure, it made him tired and it made him thinner and it made him weaker, but he was there. Helping. Loving. Living.

I think it's funny and maybe awesome that when I was at the hospital yesterday and Sean had to get up for something, I kind of checked him out. And I still love what I see. And I still think that underneath all those tubes and wires and sickness, he still is gorgeous.


I think sometimes I shouldn't go see Sean at the hospital because I hear reports of other people's visits and their visits sound awesome. They laugh, they share stories and our visits kind of feel raw. There is crying and touching and real honest talks about how we are feeling. Everyday as I walk to the green elevators I give myself a pep talk about how today I am going to be upbeat and smile a lot and laugh and in about two seconds sometimes that crumbles at my feet. He looks thin, he looks tired and somedays he is so far away from the sharp larger than life man I married. And then we talk. And we share. And sometimes we talk about how he doesn't even want to fight anymore because he is so much pain and then he gets sleep and he says, "Wife, there is still fight in me." So, I guess at 11:30 at night as I mull our visits I am comforted. I am so because isn't that true love when you can be truly open and honest with your mate. You can let all those ugly parts out and there is still someone who looks at you with so much love on their face and you know it's okay. That the love is still intact and you feel safe. So,tomorrow is another day and I will go to the hospital once, probably twice. And I will try. I will try to spread a little sunshine. But, if I don't, that's okay too..

Ramblings..

The other day I went to this local Christian bookstore and I bought this book about when a spouse dies. I am nothing if not a planner. The woman behind the register asked me if I knew someone who was dying. I said, "Actually my husband is. He has cancer." She asked me what kind and I told her. She then proceeded to tell me about her husband's major hernia surgery. I am sure she meant well, but, um, Ma'am they don't really quite compare. Just so you know.....

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I have never seen the body of Christ work quite like it has during this crisis in our lives. There is not a day that goes by that I haven't gotten a phone message or a Facebook message or an e-mail with encouragement and love and prayers for our family. There have been more "playdates" for my children in this past month than there has been their entire lives. Without their help, I would literally be lost.

At church on Sunday, I was late due to many people asking me how Sean and our family was doing. The only seats available were in the front row. I sat there by myself and I felt so lonely I could have laid on the floor and cried. The seat next to me was so empty. All of a sudden, this woman sat next to me. Her name is Kathy. I know who she is because she is one of Sean's customers (I also know her address thanks to my Precioushead!) and she had talked with Sean while she was going through her divorce. She saw me and said to her husband, "Is that Sean's wife down there?" She felt the Lord tell her to come sit next to me. She did and it was probably one of the most beautiful things that anybody has ever done for me. She just held my hand and told me I wasn't alone. If that is God's hands and feet at work, I don't know what is.

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I love my husband because even though he is the hospital and so medicated, the core of who he is still so intact. The other day he said to me, "Wife, could you please help me clean up. This place is a mess." That is so Sean. And every day I come I read him the Proverbs. I will purposely only read half of one that I know he knows and he will finish it and just smile at me. I love that man to the ends of the Earth...

My New Best Friend

I have found a new friend to take along with me on this journey. Job. I read it once and like any sad song, I liked it but couldn't really understand the person's pain unless I walked in their shoes.

Today I was reading Joshua for my small group Women's Bible Study and it just wasn't doing it for me. And then I had a long talk with God. I told him that I was angry, that I was sad, that I really didn't like the way things were going and I finally started praying for certain things that I just felt were out of my control. Why let him handle it when I do such a good job myself? Ha..

Then I had a leaning on my heart like in no other time - "read the book of Job". So, I read the first chapter and when I read the last couple of lines, I knew that I knew this is the perfect time:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away;
may the name of the Lord be praised.

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."

Okay, God. I get the message. Your Name be praised..

Dizzying..

In many ways I feel like I have already lost my husband. We are one month into this illness and already I feel like the impact has been massive. To explain it further brings so much pain to myself that I literally can't explain it further than that.

Today he told me that it's good for us to have time apart and he was grateful that I was at work and I understand. To a point. It felt good to be at work and talking about something other than cancer. Other than a pill schedule. Other than pain. But, every single second we're not together I feel like - well, it's as if I am holding a treasure of pennies in my hand and some are slipping through my fingers. I feel like every single second should be spent together and yet I know we will surely kill each other if we do that. It's not healthy for people to be together all the time. I know.

It's dizzying to me this line I have to navigate. He is the one that is going through this. I want to be a patient and understanding wife. I want to give him room. Yet I hope I can figure out how to do that.

Today Felt Normal

What a day. I can remember back to 2003 Sean and I were sitting in a Chevrolet dealership and we were ordering up his dream truck. We were giddy with the excitement of getting everything his heart desired and deserved. We just ordered it up like we were ordering ice cream! And then today, she went in the front yard with a For Sale sign. It just broke my heart, doesn't everything nowadays? It was so sad because she was all Sean had wanted and she was a symbol of God restoring so much. Today she was being offered up to the highest bidder. And then I realized that she was just a hunk of metal. Yes, she was wonderful. But, when you are staring death in the face, what does it all really mean? Just as Solomon cried, "everything is meaningless", I realized that all these THINGS that I desire in my life truly don't mean a hill of beans in the end. My husband does. My children do. The people that the Lord has allowed in my life do. So, we wait for someone to buy her. I just hope they take the care of her like Sean has.

And today Sean laughed. And today he didn't take a nap. And today he helped with the groceries. And today he played with his children and hugged and kissed his wife. Today he played "Father may I?" and read to his boys. Today felt good in the midst of cancer. Sometimes those old cliches really do ring true. The one about focusing on today? Yeah, I can't let cancer have every day and every moment, can I? Nah...

I miss him already...

I have realized something in these last two weeks. I always knew but it has become glaringly obvious to me. How much of a team Sean and I are. How much we bring to each other for feedback, for opinions. Sean is in a great deal of pain and he is here physically but not here mentally. I am struggling with this to say the least. So many times I have caught myself saying, "Seany, can you..." only to have the words hang in mid-air. That's because he was always right by my side. I would wash the boys, he would dry. I would cook dinner, he would clean up. I would read to one boy, he the other. Now I wash and dry alone, I cook dinner and clean up alone, I read to both boys nestled close to me. Don't get me wrong. I am not complaining. These are my jobs. It just used to be fun with my best friend by my side.

Today I was struggling with something and I tried to talk with Sean about it and he said to me so wearily, "Wife, you need to pray about this and figure this out." He gave me no feedback, no opinion. I know what he's doing. He's preparing me. There will come a day when he will not be here and I will have to figure things out on my own. I'm just not ready.

Today while waiting for the bus, my son John said, "Mama, I love Daddy more than I love the monkey bars, the computer and my legos. " That is high praise indeed from my little six year old whose heart truly loves these treasures.

My heart broke. The truth is that everything will remind me of Sean. Yesterday while he was at the doctor's, I was flipping through a magazine and I came across an article about the best places to ride bikes. One such town is Tyler, Texas where Sean had lived during high school and graduated from the high school. Another page had a shar-pei dog, his absolute favorite. One day these will make me smile, yesterday I just wanted to cry.

But, we had some better, more encouraging news at the doctor's. Actually Yale. He had his endoscopy done and when it was finished, they allowed me to read the report. His doctor here in New London said that the cancer had spread throughout his abdomen and didn't really give him much time. However, when I read the report yesterday, all these places they had checked in his abdomen had come back clear. They did confirm that it had spread to his liver. But, so far that is the only place so it is somewhat contained. The doctor said that Sean was healthy otherwise and strong so that he could live several more years. I think several in this case is probably two, but I will take it! He said that the drugs would be able to give him quality of life. I asked about removing the parts of the pancreas that are affected and killing the rest of the cancer with chemo, if that was at all possible. He said usually not and that usually in this case surgery was not an option. But, he did say that he does not treat people with cancer, only diagnose them. And that every person is different and every cancer is different. So, here we sit.

He is tired all the time. His body has had his gall bladder removed, a cat scan and now this endoscopy all in under three weeks. It needs time to heal. But, every time he wants to take a nap or rest, it scares me. I want him to be that ball of energy he always was. That man who could easily toss our children around or would dance with me in the kitchen. There are no traces of him here.

But, he is healthy otherwise and I have to keep holding on to that.