These days..

My brain is flying in a thousand different directions. We have officially had our darkest conversations. Where ashes need to be scattered. How to eliminate our debt. How I need to learn to use the riding tractor to mow the lawn.

And you know what I keep thinking about? What should I do with the kids after we come home from Sean's funeral? Should I let them play outside? Would that be disrespectful? Would I want them to cry the whole rest of that day at least? Should the television be on? What do I do? Such a stupid thing to think about.

We went to the doctor yesterday and he said, "Mr. Coffey, sometimes people get healed of this. Why can't you be the one?" Indeed, why can't he? And everytime I allow myself to think like that with hope in my heart, my mind gets assaulted again.

My faith is stumbling right now to say the least. The Scripture that keeps coming to my mind is, "Rain falls on the just and the unjust." Sean's faith seems to be growing if that is at all possible. All I see is a God ripping my beautiful love from me. My faith is failing. And I am ashamed of that. My love for God has been so conditional. If He fell into my line and did what I wanted Him to do, then everything was good.

It is no longer about me. I have been too obsessed with the television and my computer and my sewing and looking forward to the nighttime when I can be alone. I have been sleepwalking through my life. I would love to go back to Sunday night and slap that girl right across the face and grab her shoulders and shake her.

I can no longer stand to be out of the same room as Sean. For fear that I will miss a touch, a smile, a chance to tell him how much I love him.

Today we go for his cat scan. That will tell us things. Part of me can't wait to get there and the other part of me is dreading it with my whole being. This cat scan will tell us exactly where it is and where it is not. I am terrified today.