Quiet Weekend?

This weekend was a first for me.  One I even hate to admit.  I actually stayed home all day on Saturday.  Wait, did you miss the big announcement?  I'll repeat it.  I actually stayed home all day on Saturday.  I didn't go to Target, I didn't go to the grocery store....I just stayed home.  I talked about it with the kids at dinner and they were happy.  Now, these are kids who ask me during breakfast, "Where are we going today Mama?"  So, I thought I would hear some disappointment, but there was none.  I told them that I just needed a day and that was that.  So on Saturday they jumped on the trampoline, we played war, I sewed a little bit, we played the Wii together, we ate every meal at home (I know, I know...), and the best part of it was that there were no fits, no big explosions.  Could there be something to this?

Then on Sunday, I promised them we would go crabbing after church!  What excitement this news brought.  So we headed off to the beach and it was high tide and there was nary a crab to be seen!!!  But, because I have the two coolest kids ever (can anyone say biased?) their responses were, "That's okay Mama".  We took a walk along the beach, found many treasures and headed off to the school playground.  I'm so glad they seem to handle disappointments better than I do, but I'm also glad that the older I get the more grace I have for myself.  There would have been a time when I would have berated myself that our crabbing plans fell through.

Then to top it all off, I was walking across the playground and John said to me, "Mama, you look like you've losed weight."  Now, normally I would have corrected his grammar, but who would have wanted to spoil such a beautiful moment?

I have started walking, okay - it's only been 4 days but I have officially lost 1.1 pound.  Gosh, if he can notice when I lose such a little amount, what will I look like to him when I lose 5 or 10 pounds?  haha.....

As I look back at my life I've struggled with the word no.  I always thought that nice people didn't use that word.  That it meant you were difficult, selfish.  I'm learning something quite the opposite.

Moms In Touch is this year and it's got great women in the town.  I mean really great women.  Women I love to dig into God's Word with,  women I laugh with, who I pray for and whom pray for me and my children.  But bringing Hunter is difficult.  He gets bored and our life is already super busy with preschool, Wednesday morning Bible Study and Wednesday night Awana.  So, this year I think I'm going to pass.  Every time I think about going, I get stressed.  Jesus said "His yoke is easy and his burden is light."  Yet, my yoke and my burden don't feel light.  So, I'll go next year.  To make a decision, even though it appears so insignificant, is huge for me. 

Then there's the issue of a greater no.  The people who are in our lives that sometimes truly cause us nothing but pain and sorrow.  What do you do with that?  Do you allow them to keep hurting you?  Do you keep quiet so you're not perceived as the "difficult one"?  I've been wrestling with that as of late.  My instincts is to be a good girl, to keep quiet and to accept people and their flaws, to "understand" why they do what they do.  But, something in me is changing.  It's just not willing to stand by and let people have their way.  I am growing fiercely protective over myself and my children.    I'm beginning to see that it's okay to keep people out of your life if they don't even try to bring joy, support, love.  If all they expel is toxicity, then why would I expose myself and those closest to me to that?  And I'm starting to believe that I am worth something, that Someone paved the way for me just like He did for everyone else.That I have a voice and I can use it.

That it's okay to say no. 

My little adventure..

Well, I got to go to New Hampshire yesterday morning and I stayed over last night all by myself.  It's amazing how anxious and nervous I was.  I discovered that I felt very vulnerable and alone.  I got to go to one of my favorite places in the world, Keepsake Quilting.  It's this amazing quilt shop in New Hampshire 4 hours from home filled with absolute treasures.  I just love to feel fabric - literally put a bolt in my hands and just stare at it and lovingly run my hands across it.  I met up with a friend and we had a wonderful dinner. 

I went to a terrible movie, The Change-up.  I just had a feeling like I should go to dinner and then back to the hotel room but, my goodness, I just am like a dog with a bone sometimes.  I was bound and determined to suck every opportunity out of that day and, by golly, I was going to see that movie.  I actually walked out of it, it was so vulgar and gross.  So, I finally made my way back to the hotel and what a room I had!  It was beautiful and spacious and the only drawback was there was no tub, only a shower.  It is the 21st century, right?  Where was my bathtub?

I laid on the bed, had a pepsi and read my book and finally took a deep breath at 9:00 at night!  It was luxurious to say the least.  The only times I cried was when I was at the quilt shop and I just felt so very far from home and how I would love to tell Sean so many nuances of my trip.  It was an adventure and I actually learned a lot about myself on my little sabbatical.  I'd love to make this a yearly thing where I leave my children with really wonderful people and I go somewhere all by myself.  For just one day. 

Raising Hunter

Today Hunter brought me to tears.  What a complicated, beautiful, amazing little child that roams the halls of this house.   Tonight Hunter wanted Kool Aid before dinner and I told him no.  Never a good thing when Hunter hears no.  The customary fit followed where he screamed, he stormed off and he slammed his door.  These scenarios used to leave me wanting to run for the hills but I've learned to take them in stride.  Raising a child is a privelege and one of the great benefits is that as a parent you KNOW your child so well.  So, he sputtered and clamored but then he did what he does best.  He came out about five minutes later and hugged me from behind and told me he was sorry.  Such maturity from my  brand new 4 year old.  So, I sat with him and held him so tight and thought about how many times Sean would say to me, "Oh, boy, Hunter's just like me when I was little."  Thankfully, I knew how that man turned out - and so Hunter will turn into a pretty spectacular man.    I'm grateful that when I look at Hunter I see his father.  I see his Dad's beautiful blue eyes, his lips, his temperament, his speed in telling me that I am beautiful. 

I've been blessed beyond measure with my two little boys.  Every parent should raise a John.  When I forget his snack in his lunchbox he says, "that's okay Mama."  When I ask if a woman on tv is pretty he says, "Yeah, but you're way prettier."  He is easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Now, my Hunter has fought me every step of the way, but just as everyone should have a John, they should also have a Hunter.  He's taught me the beauty of an apology, the servant-like attitude in which he takes care of John and he loves with a ferocity.  But the main thing he's taught me is that people really rise to the occasion if you just give them a little time.  I can't wait to see the kind of men John and Hunter grow into.

Failure

Today was Father's Day.  And because I know that this day could have been difficult for my boys, I planned.  I had this idea that they would make Sean a beautiful card and I would buy balloons, attach the lovely artwork and we would send them off to heaven in grand style. 

Did the balloons leave the ground with the card attached? No

Did Mama have to take the card off the balloon and have to send it up sans card thereby ruining the special moment? Yes

Did the balloon then get stuck in a tree? Yes, momentarily

Did I then take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese and then the power go out? Yes

What a day.  Thankfully, the kids didn't really care about the cards as much as I did and they shouted up to the sky "I love you Daddy" a million times and the power came back on and really wonderful people made us feel a little more like family today.  So, it is true that all is well that ends well.

Today I read a quote "Fail, fail again, fail better."  I keep rolling those words around in my head.  I feel sometimes like the gravity of this situation will crush me.  That I will monumentally screw up my children.  But as they lay their heads down at night and I gather them close to me and apologize for my missteps and pray for them and tell them how very much I love them, that maybe we'll get through this together.  Our knees will be skinned, our feelings will get hurt, we'll cry and we'll laugh.  But, I'm not going to give up.  God has simply entrusted me with too much.

I goofed

Today I messed up.  Big time.  I got caught up in the hype of the e-readers and I just felt like I HAD to have one.  And because I am who I am, I had to go big time.  I didn't just buy the $100.00 Kindle, no I had to buy the $300.00 color Nook.   I'm turning 40 in  15 days, I deserve it, right?  I've had a rough year I deserve it, right?  It's amazing the excuses we come up to justify a foolish purchase.  You know that same voice that sometimes yells at us?  Well, mine was screaming at me when I was leaving Best Buy with my hot little purchase in hand.  But, again because I am who I am, I ignored it.  And now I regret it.

This was only about an hour ago.  Maybe two.  I came home and sat down to enter all my information and decided I HATED it.  I didn't just dislike it or thought I'd get used to it.  I hated it.  See, I'm a library girl through and through.  I go to at least my library or an area library once or twice a week.  I love that I can get a brand new movie for free, five or six dollar magazines for free, and don't even get me started on the books!

Just yesterday I went to see a friend who lives half an hour away.  I already scanned the library website and came home with five books and ten magazines.  A library half an hour away....  Did I mention they were free?  And I just can't wait to go back and find some more treasures. 

The e-books surely would have saved me time and money and gas.  But, they would have taken away the hunt.  And today I've discovered that's what I love.  Scanning the Connecticut library database to see which library has my tv series or book that I am dying to have in my hands.  And then driving and praying that someone didn't find it and take it out before I get there.  Thanks Nook.  You seem great but you're just not for me.  And this girl needs to remember who she is a little more often.

So, in half an hour, I'll be driving back to Best Buy.  I can't have this thing in my house for another minute.

A Flip Flop Swap

There's a blog here that I have been loving to read.  A wonderful woman who has faced some really challenging things with grace and strength.  One day she started a flip flop swap and like so many things recently I have found myself saying "why not?" to things I wouldn't normally.

Since my Sean passed away in January life is completely different.  I have in some ways consciously gone out of my way to do different things, to branch out and explore things so that I wouldn't die along with him.  He is cheering me on, I just know it.  And even though it may seem like a small thing, I did the swap.  I wanted to meet some new people and find some interesting new blogs to read.  To put myself out there.  To expose this little blog I've tried for so long to hide from the world.  I'm glad I did.  I got such a cute pair of flip-flops and found such a great new blog to read.  Jen is someone I know I would love to sit down with a Pepsi and chat!

Here are my new flip-flops that have already gone to Target, the grocery store and lots of places in between ~