I hate cancer. Many days to look at me you would never know my world is entirely falling apart. My children are fed, their teeth are brushed, every day they sport clean clothes. My house actually even looks respectable. I know that I will soon be a widow. I can tell myself that Sean is looking forward to seeing his Father. I can raise that mantel and say, "I am strong, God is seeing me through. I will see him one day again and this separation will only be for a while." I am woman hear me roar nonsense. But, there are days like today when I feel like the sadness and the despair are crouching in the corner and it punches me in the face every once in a while.
Like when I was driving and I just started to cry. I was just watching TV and I started to cry. And he just hugged me on his way back to bed and I realized that my face belongs no where else but in the crook of his neck. How we just fit together. And then I started to cry.
He has his hospital bed and I no longer sleep with my husband. I used to love to listen to him breathe. The sound would comfort me so much. Like it had its own melody kind of. I didn't realize how much I loved it..Now, I will have to be content to listen for it from a distance. I hate that hospital bed. And what I hate even more is that it will give him comfort and peace and sleeping with me in our bed will not.
I am going to miss him so much and when I realize how much it literally takes my breath away.
Did I mention that I hate cancer?