Sunday, December 26, 2010

Today I kind of feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sean knew how much I did not want him to die before Christmas. How I didn't want Christmas to be forever entangled with Daddy's death. And that man loves me and he loves those boys. He did it for us. I know. So, now what? Does he think somewhere down deep that it's okay now? Because if it's January 10th or January 23rd or February 3rd, it's totally going to be heartbreaking.

Today I'm sad. There is nothing like knowing that this is the last Christmas you will ever sit on the floor and marvel at the joy on your children's faces with your beloved. Who will I look at next year? Who will sit with me?

So many people want to know, "Jen, how are you doing?" I feel like ripping their faces off sometimes. How do you think I'm doing? I feel like I am choking all the time. I feel like I have not just balls in the air but balls of fire in the air? Who do I pay attention to the most? Is it my dying husband? Is it my oldest boy who is old enough to understand and who will need me more? Is it my little boy whose days are going to be filled with so much confusion and questions? Is it the house so that when the hospice workers and the steady stream of visitors come they won't think we're slobs? Is it myself who feels like I want to climb the walls all the time or who wants to cry all the time? I am falling apart. I can actually feel myself falling apart. And if one more person hugs me, I may just scream.


Kelly said...

Oh Jen ~ How my heart breaks for you!! What is happening to you and your family is truly horrible. That Sean - someone whom I thought as I saw him walking his mail route in my neighborhood this summerf should be one of the healthiest people alive - would get this life-robbing disease, just isn't right. I want to scream with you: IT"S NOT FAIR!!!!

I don't know why God allows these things to happen. I do know He doesn't cause them to happen though. I have to lean on 2 Cor. 1:4 He comforts us, so that we can comfort others. He has a plan always and will use all things that happen to us for His good and His glory - which ultimately is for our good too. Not to harm us - although sometimes the road is hard.

What you are going thru could be happening to any of us. There but for the grace of God go I.

One of my favorite thoughts about God is that He's big enough for me to pound on His chest, ask why, and sob . . . and then compassionate enough to allow me to climb up into His lap and just be held thru the storm as He folds His arms around me. He won't let go.

Breath . . . just take the next breath . . . the next step . . . don't worry about your house. No one cares - really. As Elizabeth Elliott says, Just do the next thing. Be with your boys. Be with your husband. The rest will fall into place or can be dealt with later.

Jen, I barely know you. We've only met briefly twice. But, I know Sean. He's delivered our mail for five years and we've had lengthy conversations about life, about our shared faith, and about our kids.

Your kids will be okay. They will make it through this. I promise you that. God will raise up people - Godly men in particular - who will stand beside them and guide them. He won't let them go, just as He won't let you go.

That old saying holds true -- I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow. Your tomorrow is held safely and securely in the hands of God. He will direct your paths and carry you down those paths until you are strong enough to walk on your own again.

I pray you experience that peace that can come only from God.

Kelly Ivins

Cheryl Hill said...

Jennifer - I found your post on Cat Goddards blog. I lost my husband in November to pancreatic cancer at age of 39. We have 2 children. I pray for you and your family. I pray that the love and peace that only God can provide is with you all. I pray that it holds you tight through this difficult time. God and family has been the only thing that has gotten me through and it will for you as well. If you ever need an ear of someone who just "gets it", then perhaps we can help each other. Cheryl Hill, Orlando.