Last night was a particularly difficult night. Every Wednesday night during Awana, I have two free hours by myself. Usually I love that time. Last week I went to the library, the week before I hunkered down at Panera reading to my heart's content. But last night I forgot the book that I was reading and I didn't have much direction or goal for the night. I've discovered that busyness and plans are the best way to handle grief and sorrow.
I found myself at Target and could only manage to kill one hour. I just didn't have the heart to walk around anymore looking at stuff I didn't need or couldn't really afford right now. Then I went to my car and I cried. I cried because Wednesday nights were going to be Sean's and my night. They were going to be a rare respite from the chaos of the week. A chance to talk uninterrupted. In that moment in the car, I missed him with an ache that went straight to my bones. And now they were never going to come to pass.
Then I went to Kohl's. Things have been a little tight right now financially and I have made a promise to myself in this year that I would cut back on unnecessary purchases. But a good purchase has always been known to make me feel better. Well I found myself in the bathroom section and I found a shower curtain displayed that would have looked wonderful in my bathroom. I also found a lovely cup that would beautifully display our toothbrushes. I couldn't find the shower curtain in the right section and a nice sales person offered to run upstairs to see if she could locate one. I told myself that if she found it, it just had to be a sign from God and it was okay for me to buy one, the credit card bill be darned! She didn't find one. As I searched another aisle, I came across it. It was 35.00 on sale! And with the cup it would have been over 50.00. I couldn't really pay that off in a month and I mentally figured out the interest rate. It just kept eating at me as the grief was eating at me before.
I love the Scripture that says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me." A person who was acting like a child would have bought that stuff. She would have been more stressed and snapped at her children. She would have been temporarily happy but so frustrated and angry at herself when the bill arrived in the mail.
Thankfully I did what I should have been doing more of since Sean passed away and I walked away from that store empty-handed. I felt a little freer, I felt proud of myself and I felt like I put some childish ways behind me. I knew that I missed my husband with a gut-wrenching intensity and I was still going to feel whether I had a new shower curtain or not.
So, I'm going to have a better plan for Wednesday nights. I'll cry in the car and that's okay. I'll mess up in the future and that's okay too. I'll remember my darn book..and I'll have some great Wednesday nights.