Monday, February 13, 2012
The Lesson I Learned From My New Hat
This is a picture of the hat I recently knitted for myself. To say I love this hat would be a huge understatement. I loved the whole process of knitting it because it wasn't easy. I had to rip it out and start over about five times. I was frustrated and angry but I kept at it. And the finished item was something I just adored. And I'm so glad I persevered.
Saturday morning rolls around and I start to get ready to go to John's basketball game. It's a Park and Rec game held at our local middle school. And I really want to wear my new hat. So, I put it on. Then I took it off. Then I put it on again and took it off again. I did this about five times. I even stooped so low to ask John (who's only 7 for goodness sake) if it looked okay. It was bordering on ridiculous. Gosh, I miss Sean, he really had such patience for me when I got like this.
It's only a hat....I know, I know. But I just worried that people would think I look silly. It's hard when you're forty but your heart feels sixteen. So I talked to myself a lot. I have a confession to make. I worry about what people think of me. All the time. It almost borders on excessive. And I know deep down in my heart it has to stop.
When Sean died, part of me died too. And I don't say that to sound maudlin, it's just the truth. When he died, I looked at the world differently and I honestly have tried to embrace that and live in a way that's opposite of how I used to. When the love of your life is gone and the world completely stops making sense and your life will never look the same again, things that used to matter don't anymore. And I keep forgetting that. It doesn't matter what people think of my new hat. I love it. And that is ALL that matters.
So I wore my hat on Saturday morning and I didn't even cause a blip in the world. It didn't cause an international incident and I'm pretty sure the people of Old Lyme aren't buzzing about it. But, it was a huge step for me. I shed a little more of the old Jen and that was pretty big for me. I started listening to that still small voice that is crying out to be heard.