Tuesday, January 10, 2012

One Year Ago

One year ago tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of Sean's death.  I honestly don't know what to say.  One year ago I woke up as someone's wife and went to bed as someone's widow.  I will never be the same again.  Cancer is not just  something that affects people I don't know anymore but rather it's an intimate enemy of mine because it took my best friend.  The person I was a year ago is gone.  She was naive in some ways, she thought time was on her side.  Now I know better.  That person is gone, but I'd like to think there's a wiser person now in her place. 

One year is big but honestly it's just another day in this whole mess of missing him.  I'll miss him tomorrow when I'm watching Hunter take his swimming lessons and there will be a moment when he gets it right, when his legs and arms are in coordination, and he yells to me, "I did it Mama!"  And I'll want to look over at Sean and smile in that way that parents do when their kid does something amazing.  I will never have that again.  I'll miss him tomorrow when I will inevitably worry that I've done too much for the kids or I haven't done enough.  I'll miss his laughter and his ways. 

But, one year is big, I get that.  It's a time to reflect on all that has transpired in the last year.  Hunter started school, I bought a house, John started the second grade.  We've all had to get up and walk forward and we've done that in the last year.  I've made mistakes with my children.  But, the one thing that I hope I've given them is the resolve to press on.  That tragedies will come into your life but there can be joy and there can be laughter mixed in with the sadness.  I've been determined since the day he died to do that.  To pick up the mantel and say, "Cry when you want to cry but you better laugh when you want to laugh." 

One year - he's been gone one whole year.


Answeredprayr said...

Thanks for sharing Jen, we will be praying for you during this tough time. Hold tightly to those wonderful memories; they make you who you are today...and we love you!

Kelly said...

Jen, there are no words to bring you comfort, so I won't try. I can only say you have loved well, my friend. You have loved Sean in life and in eternal life. You've loved your beautiful boys thru this first trying year and the proof of your mothering skills is evident in their young lives. You have loved well!! It is an honor to call you my friend. Personally, I miss Sean every day at my mailbox. Oh how he loved to have a moment to chat -- and always, always! he spoke of our mutual love of the Lord, and of his passionate love for you and those boys! You have loved well!!

Heather said...

First of all, how did I not know you had a blog? ;)
Thinking of you today, my sister, and praying for comfort, and also for comprehension that God is so much bigger than this life.
Love you!

Elena said...

Love you Miss Jen. And may I say...you've grieved well. Sean is proud and God is proud. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Sandra said...

Beautiful words, Jen. I know that today is an anniversary of sorts but not the end to your journey through grief. Always here for you.