Old Lyme has suffered a loss.  A vibrant 41-year-old woman lost her three year battle with breast cancer.  She leaves behind a fourth grader, a first grader and a preschooler.  This one hit me hard because John was in the first grade and Hunter was only a year younger when we lost Sean.  And they're all boys.  I heard that she said, "I just don't want my boys to grow up without a mother."  Those words echoed Sean's who worried about the boys growing up without him. 

I think about their wedding days when their wife is dancing with her father, who will they dance with?  I think about all that I'm trying to teach my boys.  That they really need to tell their wife how beautiful she is every day.  She'll really like that I say.  That they should let the girls at the bus stop go on before them even though they don't understand why yet.  That just because burping and farting may be funny, there is truly a time and place for it.    I'm trying to teach them to be good citizens but more importantly to be good and kind men and husbands.  My heart is grieving and praying that these boys will be surrounded with good strong women to guide them. 

Today I read one of the letters that Sean left me.  Just about nearly did me in.  Made me heave and cry it was so beautiful.  He wrote, "Wife, mourn for me.  Mourn bitterly for me.  But when that time is done, smile.  Live your life and breathe.  Then breathe again.  I'm with my Father."  These words carry me.  They give me hope and a future.  That one day in the future I will be able to talk with Sean again.  That all is not truly lost.  God, may this family have that same comfort. 

Wednesday Night

Last night was a particularly difficult night.  Every Wednesday night during Awana, I have two free hours by myself.  Usually I love that time.  Last week I went to the library, the week before I hunkered down at Panera reading to my heart's content.  But last night I forgot the book that I was reading and I didn't have much direction or goal for the night.  I've discovered that busyness and plans are the best way to handle grief and sorrow. 

I found myself at Target and could only manage to kill one hour.  I just didn't have the heart to walk around anymore looking at stuff I didn't need or couldn't really afford right now.  Then I went to my car and I cried.  I cried because Wednesday nights were going to be Sean's and my night.  They were going to be a rare respite from the chaos of the week.  A chance to talk uninterrupted.  In that moment in the car, I missed him with an ache that went straight to my bones.  And now they were never going to come to pass. 

Then I went to Kohl's.  Things have been a little tight right now financially and I have made a promise to myself in this year that I would cut back on unnecessary purchases.  But a good purchase has always been known to make me feel better.  Well I found myself in the bathroom section and I found a shower curtain displayed that would have looked wonderful in my bathroom.  I also found a lovely cup that would beautifully display our toothbrushes.  I couldn't find the shower curtain in the right section and a nice sales person offered to run upstairs to see if she could locate one.  I told myself that if she found it, it just had to be a sign from God and it was okay for me to buy one, the credit card bill be darned!  She didn't find one.  As I searched another aisle, I came across it.  It was 35.00 on sale!  And with the cup it would have been over 50.00.  I couldn't really pay that off in a month and I mentally figured out the interest rate.  It just kept eating at me as the grief was eating at me before. 

I love the Scripture that says, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.  When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."  A person who was acting like a child would have bought that stuff.  She would have been more stressed and snapped at her children.  She would have been temporarily happy but so frustrated and angry at herself when the bill arrived in the mail. 

Thankfully I did what I should have been doing more of since Sean passed away and I walked away from that store empty-handed.  I felt a little freer, I felt proud of myself and I felt like I put some childish ways behind me.  I knew that I missed my husband with a gut-wrenching intensity and I was still going to feel whether I had a new shower curtain or not. 

So, I'm going to have a better plan for Wednesday nights.  I'll cry in the car and that's okay.  I'll mess up in the future and that's okay too.  I'll remember my darn book..and I'll have some great Wednesday nights.