Tomorrow is Sean's birthday. Tomorrow he would have been 49 years old. And all I want to do in the quiet moments of today is cry.
I got so many phone calls and cards on the anniversary of Sean's death and it made me heartsick. Not the love that people showed, but that the darkest day of my life was given any attention at all. The notice of the day gave weight to it. I talked with a friend who has gone through a devastating loss this year too and when people asked her what she planned to do to commemorate the one-year loss of her daughter, she hit the nail on the head. She said, "I'm going to try to forget the worst day of my life." That's how I feel too. I appreciated the love that people showed but I just hated being reminded of it so much.
But, his birthday. That's a different story. That's a day that should be remembered. Sean was in a word magnificent. He was the hardest working man I know, he was the kindest, most honest, forgiving, loving man to ever grace this planet. I was so proud to be his wife and he loved me and our sons. His birthday honestly always used to stress me endlessly. He loved angel food cake, his favorite, and I struggled every year to make a good one for him. He didn't have a lot of family so I felt a great responsibility to really show him how loved he was on his birthday. I would give anything to have to make another one of those dreadful cakes. And fret over not doing enough or worrying that I had gone way overboard.
He honestly lived every single day of his life. He gave and he gave and sometimes fell into bed with the exhaustion of the day after serving so many people in his life. I'm going to tell his sons what a remarkable husband he was, how he was the one who took the first lock of the boys' hair, how much he loved them. I'm going to try to show them the husband and father he was so that one day they will follow in his footsteps. That they will one day grow into the same kind of man he was. I see his kindness and his patience in John. I see his impishness and his generosity in Hunter. I'm just so very proud that I get to live with his children every day.
Your birthday is a celebration of your life. The years you've lived and the ones still down the road. It's a day to take stock and make some changes if you need to. It's a big day. So, as I sit here on the eve of Sean's birthday, my heart is sad.
He was taken away from people who loved him so much. But I won't let them forget.