Thursday, May 26, 2011

We celebrated Hunter's 4th birthday on Sunday. It was an undertaking, the first time doing one without my love. Thank God I have these really amazing people around me who listen to me and arrive 4 hours before the party and hold my hand through it all. I would be utterly lost without them.

I was doing fine. I really was, holding up much better than I thought it would. I tried to be smart, see, every invitation to bring something or help was politely declined because I figured the busier I was the more I could ignore the giant elephant in the room. And it worked until Sunday morning. The house was quiet, the boys were sternly told that Mama was busy and did not need disturbing. I set about to make my potato salad. And the tears came because I realized in that moment that I would never eat Sean's cole slaw again. That man had a gift in the kitchen and even his cole slaw was divine. I read that you don't just miss that person you miss the life you had with that person. And it's true. Never again will I hustle and bustle with my husband preparing a birthday for our boy. Never again will I hope and pray there is some left over. Never again will I have his help.

But, I don't want this post to be all sadness. No, there is a boy in this house to celebrate. He is Hunter Gabriel and my goodness, he's the best. He tells me every single day that I am beautiful, that he loves me, that I am the best. He is also the same boy who gets so angry at the drop of a hat and just needs a few minutes alone to pull himself together. The same little man who will come to me and actually use the words "Mama, I was so wrong." How those words will bless his wife someday. He is a superhero and he constantly saves his princess. He is rough, he is tumble, he'll eat anything that comes across his plate and I'm so glad every day that he is mine.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011


Since Sean passed away I have only dreamed about him once. Last night I had another. It's starting to get fuzzy but I dreamt that we were having a really fun time somewhere and I knew that he was sick. Looking at the joy on his face I thought he couldn't possibly know he was dying. So I finally summoned up the courage to tell him and he already knew. It just blew me away. When I asked him how he was managing to have fun in the midst of it he told me he didn't want to waste any time. He told me he just wanted to enjoy what little time he had.

I don't really know what this dream means. Am I supposed to be learning something from this? Or is this just a commentary about the way he soldiered through his illness? I don't know.