The inspections are done, the paperwork is completed, in ONE WEEK I will be a homeowner. I am 40 years old and I have never owned my own little corner of the world. People say I'm amazing. I think they're a little crazy. To me this is survival. It's amazing what you can do when you have little choice. People say they couldn't do what I'm doing. I think they're wrong. When your kids are at stake and when you HAVE to have their best interests at heart, the big girl pants have to come on.
People say to me that this is exciting. It is. But it's all really scary and really sad and really emotional. It's hard for me to leave this house because it's where Sean took his last breath. It's scary because a day will come when water will leak, furnaces will have trouble, toilets will overflow and there will be no one to turn to. The big girl pants will have to get thrown on then too.
But, I'll get to paint a wall. I have never in my life gotten to do that. I'll get to pick out the color all by myself. I got to buy furniture that I like. I have literally never bought a dining room table before and now I have. One time my real estate agent said to me, "You know, you could take this carpet out and have hardwood floors here." Gosh, I could, couldn't I?
The one thing that drives me on is my children are watching. I don't want them to drown in grief. I want them to take those moments when the pain hits and cry really hard but when their ready to run, I tell em to run. I laugh with them, I play video games with them. Life is meant to be lived, the hard times as well as the good. And I know deep in my heart that Sean would be pleased with that. He wouldn't want me to sit in a corner all day. So, I bought a house.
So, as literally and figuratively, one door opens while another closes, I will have a tear in my eye, a smile on my face and a lump in my throat.