Today I kind of feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sean knew how much I did not want him to die before Christmas. How I didn't want Christmas to be forever entangled with Daddy's death. And that man loves me and he loves those boys. He did it for us. I know. So, now what? Does he think somewhere down deep that it's okay now? Because if it's January 10th or January 23rd or February 3rd, it's totally going to be heartbreaking.
Today I'm sad. There is nothing like knowing that this is the last Christmas you will ever sit on the floor and marvel at the joy on your children's faces with your beloved. Who will I look at next year? Who will sit with me?
So many people want to know, "Jen, how are you doing?" I feel like ripping their faces off sometimes. How do you think I'm doing? I feel like I am choking all the time. I feel like I have not just balls in the air but balls of fire in the air? Who do I pay attention to the most? Is it my dying husband? Is it my oldest boy who is old enough to understand and who will need me more? Is it my little boy whose days are going to be filled with so much confusion and questions? Is it the house so that when the hospice workers and the steady stream of visitors come they won't think we're slobs? Is it myself who feels like I want to climb the walls all the time or who wants to cry all the time? I am falling apart. I can actually feel myself falling apart. And if one more person hugs me, I may just scream.