My little adventure..

Well, I got to go to New Hampshire yesterday morning and I stayed over last night all by myself.  It's amazing how anxious and nervous I was.  I discovered that I felt very vulnerable and alone.  I got to go to one of my favorite places in the world, Keepsake Quilting.  It's this amazing quilt shop in New Hampshire 4 hours from home filled with absolute treasures.  I just love to feel fabric - literally put a bolt in my hands and just stare at it and lovingly run my hands across it.  I met up with a friend and we had a wonderful dinner. 

I went to a terrible movie, The Change-up.  I just had a feeling like I should go to dinner and then back to the hotel room but, my goodness, I just am like a dog with a bone sometimes.  I was bound and determined to suck every opportunity out of that day and, by golly, I was going to see that movie.  I actually walked out of it, it was so vulgar and gross.  So, I finally made my way back to the hotel and what a room I had!  It was beautiful and spacious and the only drawback was there was no tub, only a shower.  It is the 21st century, right?  Where was my bathtub?

I laid on the bed, had a pepsi and read my book and finally took a deep breath at 9:00 at night!  It was luxurious to say the least.  The only times I cried was when I was at the quilt shop and I just felt so very far from home and how I would love to tell Sean so many nuances of my trip.  It was an adventure and I actually learned a lot about myself on my little sabbatical.  I'd love to make this a yearly thing where I leave my children with really wonderful people and I go somewhere all by myself.  For just one day. 

Raising Hunter

Today Hunter brought me to tears.  What a complicated, beautiful, amazing little child that roams the halls of this house.   Tonight Hunter wanted Kool Aid before dinner and I told him no.  Never a good thing when Hunter hears no.  The customary fit followed where he screamed, he stormed off and he slammed his door.  These scenarios used to leave me wanting to run for the hills but I've learned to take them in stride.  Raising a child is a privelege and one of the great benefits is that as a parent you KNOW your child so well.  So, he sputtered and clamored but then he did what he does best.  He came out about five minutes later and hugged me from behind and told me he was sorry.  Such maturity from my  brand new 4 year old.  So, I sat with him and held him so tight and thought about how many times Sean would say to me, "Oh, boy, Hunter's just like me when I was little."  Thankfully, I knew how that man turned out - and so Hunter will turn into a pretty spectacular man.    I'm grateful that when I look at Hunter I see his father.  I see his Dad's beautiful blue eyes, his lips, his temperament, his speed in telling me that I am beautiful. 

I've been blessed beyond measure with my two little boys.  Every parent should raise a John.  When I forget his snack in his lunchbox he says, "that's okay Mama."  When I ask if a woman on tv is pretty he says, "Yeah, but you're way prettier."  He is easy peasy lemon squeezy.  Now, my Hunter has fought me every step of the way, but just as everyone should have a John, they should also have a Hunter.  He's taught me the beauty of an apology, the servant-like attitude in which he takes care of John and he loves with a ferocity.  But the main thing he's taught me is that people really rise to the occasion if you just give them a little time.  I can't wait to see the kind of men John and Hunter grow into.

Failure

Today was Father's Day.  And because I know that this day could have been difficult for my boys, I planned.  I had this idea that they would make Sean a beautiful card and I would buy balloons, attach the lovely artwork and we would send them off to heaven in grand style. 

Did the balloons leave the ground with the card attached? No

Did Mama have to take the card off the balloon and have to send it up sans card thereby ruining the special moment? Yes

Did the balloon then get stuck in a tree? Yes, momentarily

Did I then take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese and then the power go out? Yes

What a day.  Thankfully, the kids didn't really care about the cards as much as I did and they shouted up to the sky "I love you Daddy" a million times and the power came back on and really wonderful people made us feel a little more like family today.  So, it is true that all is well that ends well.

Today I read a quote "Fail, fail again, fail better."  I keep rolling those words around in my head.  I feel sometimes like the gravity of this situation will crush me.  That I will monumentally screw up my children.  But as they lay their heads down at night and I gather them close to me and apologize for my missteps and pray for them and tell them how very much I love them, that maybe we'll get through this together.  Our knees will be skinned, our feelings will get hurt, we'll cry and we'll laugh.  But, I'm not going to give up.  God has simply entrusted me with too much.

I goofed

Today I messed up.  Big time.  I got caught up in the hype of the e-readers and I just felt like I HAD to have one.  And because I am who I am, I had to go big time.  I didn't just buy the $100.00 Kindle, no I had to buy the $300.00 color Nook.   I'm turning 40 in  15 days, I deserve it, right?  I've had a rough year I deserve it, right?  It's amazing the excuses we come up to justify a foolish purchase.  You know that same voice that sometimes yells at us?  Well, mine was screaming at me when I was leaving Best Buy with my hot little purchase in hand.  But, again because I am who I am, I ignored it.  And now I regret it.

This was only about an hour ago.  Maybe two.  I came home and sat down to enter all my information and decided I HATED it.  I didn't just dislike it or thought I'd get used to it.  I hated it.  See, I'm a library girl through and through.  I go to at least my library or an area library once or twice a week.  I love that I can get a brand new movie for free, five or six dollar magazines for free, and don't even get me started on the books!

Just yesterday I went to see a friend who lives half an hour away.  I already scanned the library website and came home with five books and ten magazines.  A library half an hour away....  Did I mention they were free?  And I just can't wait to go back and find some more treasures. 

The e-books surely would have saved me time and money and gas.  But, they would have taken away the hunt.  And today I've discovered that's what I love.  Scanning the Connecticut library database to see which library has my tv series or book that I am dying to have in my hands.  And then driving and praying that someone didn't find it and take it out before I get there.  Thanks Nook.  You seem great but you're just not for me.  And this girl needs to remember who she is a little more often.

So, in half an hour, I'll be driving back to Best Buy.  I can't have this thing in my house for another minute.

A Flip Flop Swap

There's a blog here that I have been loving to read.  A wonderful woman who has faced some really challenging things with grace and strength.  One day she started a flip flop swap and like so many things recently I have found myself saying "why not?" to things I wouldn't normally.

Since my Sean passed away in January life is completely different.  I have in some ways consciously gone out of my way to do different things, to branch out and explore things so that I wouldn't die along with him.  He is cheering me on, I just know it.  And even though it may seem like a small thing, I did the swap.  I wanted to meet some new people and find some interesting new blogs to read.  To put myself out there.  To expose this little blog I've tried for so long to hide from the world.  I'm glad I did.  I got such a cute pair of flip-flops and found such a great new blog to read.  Jen is someone I know I would love to sit down with a Pepsi and chat!

Here are my new flip-flops that have already gone to Target, the grocery store and lots of places in between ~

  

Young Authors Night

Last night was Young Authors Night at school.  I love John's class.  It is filled with really special and unique kids.  The parents all gathered to hear their children's books.  I was doing fine.  I dressed in black shorts and a red shirt to honor Sean as his high school colors were red and black (a fact he always used to tell me when he saw that combination).  A dear friend took Hunter and we were off.  No tears, no sadness.  Just excitement to hear John and have some special time alone with him. 

Then I saw Mrs. Pasiuk.  I don't have the words to describe what John's teacher has come to mean to me and how I would not have survived this year without her.  I honestly don't think John would have either.  She has been our anchor and strength during the hardest days of our lives.  I put John on the bus every single morning knowing that I was sending him to a place where he would be loved and cherished.  To a mother who feels like a lot of times she is stumbling through widowhood there can be no greater gift. 

I digress.  I see her in the hall and I lose it.  She gives me a genuine hug.  I have come in my life to know the difference.  I know the hugs that aren't heartfelt, the ones people think they have to give you.  This one was one out of love and understanding.  She whispered words of comfort and I was ready.  I sat near John's seat and the room mother graciously sat in the one for Sean so I wouldn't be alone.  What a thoughtful and kind thing to do for me. 

It was amazing to see what John had created.  He dedicated his book to Hunter "because he brings me stuff".  How appropriate.  I literally could not have been prouder of that boy.

We celebrated Hunter's 4th birthday on Sunday. It was an undertaking, the first time doing one without my love. Thank God I have these really amazing people around me who listen to me and arrive 4 hours before the party and hold my hand through it all. I would be utterly lost without them.

I was doing fine. I really was, holding up much better than I thought it would. I tried to be smart, see, every invitation to bring something or help was politely declined because I figured the busier I was the more I could ignore the giant elephant in the room. And it worked until Sunday morning. The house was quiet, the boys were sternly told that Mama was busy and did not need disturbing. I set about to make my potato salad. And the tears came because I realized in that moment that I would never eat Sean's cole slaw again. That man had a gift in the kitchen and even his cole slaw was divine. I read that you don't just miss that person you miss the life you had with that person. And it's true. Never again will I hustle and bustle with my husband preparing a birthday for our boy. Never again will I hope and pray there is some left over. Never again will I have his help.

But, I don't want this post to be all sadness. No, there is a boy in this house to celebrate. He is Hunter Gabriel and my goodness, he's the best. He tells me every single day that I am beautiful, that he loves me, that I am the best. He is also the same boy who gets so angry at the drop of a hat and just needs a few minutes alone to pull himself together. The same little man who will come to me and actually use the words "Mama, I was so wrong." How those words will bless his wife someday. He is a superhero and he constantly saves his princess. He is rough, he is tumble, he'll eat anything that comes across his plate and I'm so glad every day that he is mine.

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